Monday, 7 December 2015

Still 9DPO & feeling utterly lost..

Still 9DPO, and still feeling utterly lost. I keep tweaking photographs in the hope they'll show something really obvious, when in fact they just don't. They all look entirely and utterly blank.

Here's a couple more photographs from this mornings tests with FMU.







Not even a hint of a line. Absolutely and completely negative right now. I know that given a chance I'd be extremely nervous with falling pregnant given the amount of losses I've had now (9), but I also know I'd be taking each and every precaution. I'd be wanting a beta. I'd be wanting a scan in a week or so's time. I'd be actively doing things to make sure our babies okay. I wouldn't just sit at home, worrying but not doing anything. I wouldn't want to. I'd want to know all is okay.

I was hoping that this would and could be our month. Just because Christmas is already hard not having Jake here but to give us something to look forward to, something to give us hope. A little life that is desperately wanted in our arms, a little baby of our own. In no way replacing Jake, but making the grief of losing him just that little bit easier to deal with.

All hope is gone. It flew out the window this morning when my temperature dipped. I am only 9DPO and yes, 9DPO is the most commonest day to implant, however I know my cycle. I've been tracking it for 16 long months now. If a baby was implanting today, the temperature probably would have dipped massively. It'll dip again tomorrow (small dip) and AF will be with me on Thursday - as normal. I have absolutely no doubt about that. 16 long months of only ever failing.

I do have some great friends who are in the LT TTC journey with me, we all have our own difficulties. Each of us face difficult days. The only difference is they're continuing in their TTC Journeys and I no longer am. 16 months is more than long enough with TTC. We have given our utter dedication to just that - failure of each month. After 16 long months we've had enough and give up. There is no point in having any hope, any energy or any determination in carrying on - to fail.

Some women do TTC for years (some in excess of 10 years) and if they're as actively TTC as we were, then I really do take my hat off to them. Clearly they're stronger than we are and have been.

Doctors think it'll happen again, I'm not so sure.

We're moving house and getting married next year, but if we were given a choice, we'd chose a baby over all of that. A baby really is so important to us.


I will continue writing my blogs as a Mother of 6 and a crafter. I wish you all a very Merry Christmas & Happy New Year 2016.

9 DPO, temperature dip, hope lost!

So ladies, I've woken up at 9DPO and my temperature has dipped. What a bloody surprise!

I did say I was going to do one last cycle, over Christmas, but are not going to bother. There is absolutely no point in trying to conceive any longer.

We have both given as much as we can give with our trying to conceive journey, we have done everything from vitamins, BBT charting, soya isoflavones, ovulation prediction kits, timed intercourse, pre-seed, conceive plus, evening Primrose oil, nasty cough medicine, coconut oil,  L'argentine, L'Carnitine, given up smoking and even artificial insemination.

It has been a very long hard 16 months. I never thought I would be one of those women, who had to try for a long period of time. I took my fertility for granted. I am not proud of this.

After I lost Jake, I took it for granted that the cycle after I would fall pregnant again because Jake's pregnancy was on the back of another miscarriage. I'd heard that your fertility is increased after a miscarriage and this definitely makes sense.

With Christmas fast approaching, I want to focus on Jakes first Christmas. I cuddle his teddy pretending it's him, I wish it was the real Jake but he was taken away in March this year.

There are no words to describe this pain, the pain of infertility and miscarriages. 

For these past 16 months, I have spent most of it online researching what would help and why it would help. None of which has obviously proved to be of any use. Our plans for the moment are to simply give up. We have spent 16 months of our life devoted to trying to conceive our Rainbow.

We are going to enjoy Christmas with the family we have left, this is a very hard part of the year for us. I would give anything to watch Jake open his Christmas presents this year, he would be in our arms whilst we opened his presents for him. He would be around eight weeks old for Christmas. 


I will still do my live pregnancy test tomorrow, just don't be too disappointed (like me) when it's a Big. Fat. Negative.







Sunday, 6 December 2015

8 DPO - Chart comparison with a BFP!

So, I just happened to click across someones BFP FF chart today. It looks remarkably like this months cycle - MINE.

She got a BFP on 10 dpo. I have overlaid the charts and you have to admit - they do look very similar. Even to the point where we both had ovulation pains on two different days...


(Sorry to who ever's chart this is, I've forgotten exactly where I found it).

My chart is the pink line.


Our charts together. I know she had a dip (probably implantation), but still, the temperature pattern is very very similar. Let's hope mine continues to reach for the stars and leads to a BFP with our Rainbow.
Her chart - on it's own. 



8DPO - BBT Chart progress, FRER!

Okay, so I am 8DPO, according to FF.

Here's how my chart is looking. My temperature has steadily gone up, and I have to admit that by 8DPO usually it's already started to fall. I am trying to remain hopeful. #VeryTrying
Heres my BBT Chart on FF, at 8DPO.
I did test this morning, with a FRER and it was a BFN. At only 8DPO it is still very, very early. In fact I have never had a BFP this early, ever.

I will not test tomorrow but I will be doing the LIVE test now in 2 days time - 10 DPO, 8th December. It's fast approaching!

Keep well everyone - see you on  YouTube on Tuesday!

7/8dpo, stomach cramps!

Third night running, I'm having stomach cramps. Probably just gas, but it does stop and make you think. 

It's half midnight. I better sleep or I won't be able to temp!

Night lovely ladies. 

Saturday, 5 December 2015

7 DPO - I didn't test, but I did temp!

So, last night (in bed just before I fell asleep) I had stomach ache. I don't usually have stomach ache in my two week wait. It was on my right hand side. I did think it was strange.

I have been very gassy all night and perhaps it's just a pure coincidence? However, with these symptoms put into FF, believe it or not, they're both top symptoms at 7DPO, as well as the constipation I've been having.

Top symptoms at 7DPO: Cramps (20.3%), Gassy (11.9%) and Constipation (4.3%)
This cycle has a ''High'' chance of conception, based on our Baby-dancing schedule and Artificial Inseminations.

Here is my BBT chart, as of today - 7DPO. I didn't take my temperature yesterday as I wasn't going to stress about it, however I did decide to temp today to watch it fall for AF, as per usual.

Here is my BBT chart today at 7DPO. You'll notice the missed temperature from yesterday and also notice the temperature has continued to rise.

I have also been alerted to something called an 'Implantation Calculator'. It basically is a chart which you can read. Based on what day your BBT has dipped you can read when your HCG should be high enough to test and get a positive result. It's quite a handy thing to have, however if you're unfortunate enough like me to have a Luteal Phase Defect, it may not be ideal for you. Here's a screenshot of my information, based upon this cycle.
If I have implanted (Also remember, it's possible to implant and not all charts have 'dips') then at 10DPO it should be around 8miu/ml and therefore I should get a faint on a FRER.

Here is a screenshot of the Implantation Calculator. I find this a useful website. However, don't expect it to work well if you have a Luteal Phase Defect. I only have a 10-11 day LP. 

As of now, it's lunch time (well, 11:23am) and I am having more stomach ache, a little more severe than last night. Not sure what's happening at the moment, whether it is just gas or something more interesting and exciting... who knows.

THREE day countdown until LIVE testing. Now that's exciting!


Friday, 4 December 2015

Cycle 15, Month 16 - 6 DPO Blog.

Nothing much has really happened today.
I was up until 3am having a bad night, with grief and missing Jake.

I did an emotional vlog at midnight - which has been uploaded to YT (YouTube).

I have decided to not temp any further into this cycle, although I am trying to decide as to whether or not I buy a replacement thermometer.

I've got no symptoms today, apart from constipation and the odd every now and again wave of heartburn.

Don't forget to tune in to my YT on the 8th December, for LIVE Pregnancy Testing!




Two week wait, Thermometer Problems & Liars are *always* caught out!

Hi ladies! Sorry I've not been keeping this updated much.

In my defence I have been like, super ill. Sickness bug ill.
Just so happened I ovulated right after the bug too - typical.

We have done 3 AI's though and baby danced twice, so all our bases are and were covered.

Now, I have some really bad news too. I have LOST my usual thermometer. It was a lovely pink one, that read out your temperature in Celsius. I have a blue one that reads out in Fahrenheit. I'm not overly confident it's accurate though and for that reason it's taken until today - 5DPO to have any kind of crosshairs. As of today, 5DPO I will not continue to temp any further this cycle. I am simply not gaining anything by looking and over-analysing this weird FF chart.

I also find it slightly funny that liars and fakes are always found out. It's all fair and well you telling us that you've been diagnosed with a chronic condition, however - don't blog about it being negative!

It's gone 1am in the UK and I am quite emotional tonight, I won't lie. I am missing our babies, and wondering what Jakes' First Christmas would have been like. Just a complete mess at the moment with my emotions and I may well have to go and see a doctor if things don't improve. Sadly, I fear I will be put on Anti-Depressants, of which I want to avoid.

I am still doing regular video blogs (Vlogs) to document our Journey from TTC to hopefully Conception on YouTube. The link for my YouTube Channel can be found here.

Live pregnancy testing at 10DPO will be uploaded to my Channel on the 8th December.
I will be using a FRER and IC (most likely).








Thursday, 19 November 2015

Feeling down this evening..

Yeah, I am feeling like crap.

It's just been one thing after another this week and I am sick of it.

Why do we keep failing at having a baby? Why is it so damn hard?
Some people manage to fall pregnant so easily, without even wanting to they manage it.

Infertility affects every aspect of your life. Your emotions, your life, period.

I think I have officially hit rock bottom. I am thinking of each and every possible alternative. They range from the crazy to insanely crazy ideas.

Should I stop trying and hope and pray it happens naturally?
Should I keep on trying?
Based on the last SA, should I just accept it is not going to happen?

I feel at such a cross-roads in my life. I love my DF but we want a baby.
I need to talk to him, I know that. But I don't know how much he wants a baby with me. I somehow feel like I want the baby more than him.

Why is it that others can fall pregnant so easily, even though with ''PCOS'' and those who have been told they've a VERY low chance of conception from their doctor? Why us? Why have we been cursed?

We will try AI this cycle and then I am sure that's the end of the road for us.
We may look into IUI or IVF next year but the chances of it working are low.

Parcels, equipment.. AI things.

Today a few parcels have come, in preparation for ovulation this month. 

This is our first ever AI cycle. 

I'll explain each now. 



5 collection pots, each wrapped and are sterile. DF will collect his sample using one of these pots. 



Sterile syringes and tubing. Sterile syringes are on the left, tubing is in the centre and unwrapped syringes on the right. 


Here is my sterile disposable vaginal speculum. I am in two minds whether to use this or not. I figured it's best to have "just in case". I ideally want to see my cervical opening during this process. 


Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic [My Appointment]

Hello all.

The day came! The day at the hospital, at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic.
The hospital car parking is less than ideal, in fact it is always a nightmare when it comes to parking, that's if you're lucky enough to get a space.
Luckily, I made sure we left with plenty of time, and we did get there a-ok. We hit a little bit of traffic on the way into Oxford, but we made it.

I was over an hour early for my appointment. The receptionist said we were early, I said we didn't mind waiting. She mentioned something about a 'cancelled clinic' because the consultant (Fertility Specialist) was in a meeting ALL day and this clinic should have been cancelled.

I said we'd wait, however long her meeting was - we'd wait. I haven't waited 10 years for answers to go away empty handed - I thought to myself.

So, after waiting a few minutes the consultant rushed down, I was her second patient for clinic. A 3rd lady arrived, but was told the consultant wouldn't see her today and she had to re-book. I am thankful I did wait it out as we were seen, on time at 11am.

She started by taking my previous history with previous pregnancies, asked my weight, how I'd had my babies and if I have any conditions. I listed the conditions I know about, including the blood disorder trait I have.

She explained that she isn't worried about us falling pregnant, in fact she seems to think it will happen and soon.
She said she'd order some blood tests to check for a whole host of things. She said that most often than not there is no closure and there is no reasoning. I asked since Jake was a 'Pregnancy of UNKNOWN location' whether she'd do a HSG to check my tubes were open, she said no. She has said I have 6 children now and she isn't worried whatsoever. I disagree with this very much, we have no evidence where Jake was and heavens forbid he was an Ectopic pregnancy, the next time our bean sticks it may lead to the loss of a tube if I have blocked tubes and an ectopic.

She said that AS SOON as I am pregnant I will be given a scan (Hurrah, I am literally so happy about this), I will be in the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) and she ideally likes to do them at 6-7 weeks but I will get them often and before the routine NHS 12 week (First) scan.

Before, I've had to PRIVATELY PAY for my own scans at 7 weeks.

She has suggested I lay off of the Aspirin, the evidence it has to suggest it is helpful in conceiving is great, but there is also contradictory evidence to suggest it may hinder the chances of implantation and have a negative affect on conception.
She has also suggest my Folic Acid dosage MUST be increased. I am unsure what dosage she said now - it's been one hell of a day let me assure you.

She's also advised that once I reach around 12 weeks pregnant I am to start taking the Aspirin again, but I already knew that given my history.
With the consultation over, We were pointed in the direction of the 'Emergency Gynae Bloods' department. We walked through a whole waiting room of big baby bellies for their Antenatal clinic. There must have been around 30 women there in total, each with partners. Each cradling their huge bellies. We were pushed into a side room where it was almost bearable, although I was the only one - NOT PREGNANT there. Each time a pregnant woman came through the door, tears fell down my face. Literally, it was so hard.

The blood test saw 10, yes 10 Viole's of blood taken from me and yes, I nearly passed out as per usual.  I cried whilst having the blood test but I said to her about it not being appropriate given the reason why I'm there to be surrounded in heavily pregnant women.

She is doing a lot of tests, which I hope to have results in around 2-3 weeks for.

On the way out, we had to walk past the same amount of big baby bellies. We even walked past the 'paediatric Pathology' unit and I couldn't help but think to myself ''Is that where Jake should have been'' and ''OMG, that's where my Brother was sent, all those years ago back in 1986''.

We finally hit the fresh air of the car park and that is when, all - let - rip. I burst into tears, like I'd never done before. Barely able to grasp my breath and barely able to even to contain any composure.
I cried so hard, tears fell far too easily, too often and there was a pain in my chest and my neck. It felt like I was being stabbed in my neck. A harsh pain.
I got to the car, still crying and still not able to catch any breath. Uncontrollable crying.

We got to a local town and I went shopping (may have bought myself a new 42'' Full HD Smart TV). On the way to the shops though, as always there was a charity worker, asking for donations. ''Congratulations then! I've got 2 boys and 1 girl''.
It was just a conversation they were having, but to say something - like that - so LOUD. Had me in tears again, not as bad as the hospital, but a few tears fell down the side of my face.

Having got home, we both went for a nap, today has been an emotional day. I cuddled into Jakey (Jakes' teddy bear) and put the electric blanket on to warm myself up. I checked Facebook (as you do) on my phone.

''My waters have gone, I'm off to the hospital now'' came an update - that has again, pushed me over the limit of what I can handle today.

Literally crying again, so hard. So many tears falling. I am worn out from how emotional today has been. Had Jake been born, he'd be a month old now. Four young beautiful weeks old. I wonder what he'd have weighed? He'd have just had his last dose of Vitamin K.

Sometimes, it feels like the World is out to get you and today has been one of those days.

I hope to have closure in around 2-3 weeks, but as she said - don't bet on it. Most often than not it is just a sad fact of life. Some babies make it and some sadly don't. She did also say that she'd have been surprised had I had so many babies and not had a few miscarriages - it seems completely normal and I am stunned at just how 'normal' it apparently is.

NINE miscarriages for 6 CHILDREN is NORMAL?

I hate the fact that people think I have my fair share of children and somehow don't deserve the right to grieve, let alone plan more children. I deserve to grieve, just like you all grieve, whether you've had one loss, or 9 you ALL feel the pain of a loss. It's nothing you can 'get used to' and you should never have to hide away your grief just because someone says you've got XX children and shouldn't be upset - you all have the right to be upset.

With this update, I am going offline. I just thought I'd share todays events with you as you're all probably guessing.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Still absent....

Still no AF as yet. 

Just a quick update. I've just had some really weird pains in my rib cage (lower right side), never had this before. 

Will be carefully watching my temperature tomorrow. 

Here's my chart as of today. 

Fingers crossed for a big raise tomorrow, or something to give me hope at least. 



10 or 11 DPO?

So, here's the thing. I still disagree with FF. They think I am 10 DPO.
My chart looks as if I am 12DPO. It looks like AF is due today - judging by what previous months' charts have looked like.

I did test this morning, I am ashamed to say.
All BFN's. Unless I squint really hard and I can see something on the middle and last test (FRER).

I knew this month was a bust, from the day we didn't baby dance was the day they think I ovulated, to DH not taking his vitamins, to extensive tooth ache, tooth extraction, gum infection and swelling, antibiotics and finally, thrush.

There's a whole host of reasons why this month was not going to be and is not successful.

Doesn't make it any easier to accept though.

Yesterday evening, I had weird smells I kept smelling. The first was candy floss in the car, then I smelt burned toast then it went back to candy floss. Bearing in mind we drive a Brand New car, neither candy-floss or burned toast has ever been in the car.
We then left the car and went shopping, again I kept smelling this candy floss. I'd been smelling it for miles now. DH didn't smell it but what ever. I could smell it and I knew I could smell it.

Anyway, enjoy looking at Month 15's BFN's. (Click for full photograph).
Tempted to take EPO to start AF.
If AF does come today, the bitch is 1/2 days early and I won't be happy either way.





On other news, we did briefly discuss looking at 'other options' but at the moment things are very raw emotionally and this needs full and further exploration before we come to any hard decisions.

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic appointment is fast approaching, as is DH's appointment to receive his SA results - even though they've come in this week.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Sorry!

I am so sorry I have not kept this updated. It is now November and we are still not pregnant. 

Unfortunately I've suffered another miscarriage since my last post (July), but the good news is I am being referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, now I've had 3-in-a-row. They would not refer me before because of always have 2 then a live birth. 
My fiancé has had a Semen Analysis (SA), and he's just had a repeat done. We'll be finding out the results later this month. 

Not much to add apart from this is a long ass journey for us all, and if I am honest I am quite frankly sick of people who have no idea what we are going through. 

Horrah, you fell pregnant after "2 cycles" or maybe it was a "surprise" or even "accident" I really couldn't care less. If you have no idea how hard it is to fall pregnant with Male Factor Infertility and Secondary Infertility then please, shut the hell up. 

If also like to moan at one particular lady who apparently has PCOS but has been "pregnant" for the last 3-4 cycles with new pregnancies that she keeps "miscarrying".
The lies this woman is spinning makes me physically sick, why would you lie to get attention by faking pregnancies and miscarriages? Oh yes, I forgot. We live in a sick sick world where anyone will do anything to get attention. 


Over and out, take care. 

Monday, 16 March 2015

It's stupid. But I think it's finally hit me!

After weeks and just over a month of being pregnant and struggling with HCG betas, I feel it's finally hit me.

History:

1st Feb: AF due. AM I tested with FMU and FRER, it was negative.
1st Feb: PM - AF came, usual heavy and lasted 5-6 days.
8th Feb: ''Ovulation pains'', OPK +, ''for fun'' tested with HPT +! (FRER, CB digital etc)
12th Feb: Pains in my right side, Beta 31
14th Feb: Beta 24, Miscarriage is now imminent.
27th Feb: Tests still positive. Beta 53!
2nd March: Bleeding started. Heavy with clots, very painful.
11th March: Tests still positive. Beta 61!
13th March: Beta 57.
14th March: Tests fading
15th March: Tests very very faint
16th March: CB digital ''not pregnant'' but showed visible lines within the test. This must mean my HCG is below 25.

Today is 16th March, this morning I had a negative digital test. On Friday 13th I was told this has gone on long enough and I would be offered the cancer drug to be injected into me to help my body deal with this failing miscarriage.
I am relieved in a way my body seems to be dealing with it, so as to save the intervention of pumping drugs into me.



I write this as I am watching a program in the UK called 'This Morning' they're airing a story where a woman delivered her twins at 26 weeks and one baby was born dead, she demanded skin on skin and brought him back to life, I am in tears, I wish I could do this to my baby.
I feel pathetic and angry with myself for being relieved at a negative pregnancy test. What Mother could ever feel like this?
I think I have finally accepted this baby wasn't meant to be, and flew his angel wings many weeks ago. I remained positive, hoping and praying that there would be a successful pregnancy out of this, however I am almost confident that this is just not the case. When the beta went up to 53, then 61, although not doubling in the correct timing, I still had hope.

I am going back to the hospital tonight for a repeat beta just to make sure it IS as low as I think it is, due to this CB digital test. I'm hoping to get the results tonight, however this depends on what time the ward shuts. It can be 7pm - In which case the results will be tomorrow AM, if the ward shuts at 8pm tonight then it may be back in time tonight.

If my beta has got as low as I think it is, I am going to buy some helium balloons this weekend and find a quiet spot to let them off. I'm also going to be lighting a candle in memory too.
I feel heartbroken. Come October I should have been giving birth to a healthy baby, hearing his first cry, cuddling him in my sweet arms, kissing his forehead, loving watching him every day, sleeping, feeding him, just enjoying having him in my arms. Yawning, hick ups, even the nappies. He's most probably a baby boy - I just have this gut feeling as I had with all my other children, and I have never been wrong, besides the twins, I predicted one of each but had two beautiful girls. I feel this baby was a little boy. We have named our Angel, Angel Jake. I'm going to class Angel Jakes passing as 2nd March, when the bleeding started. I can't be sure exactly when he passed but the bleeding signified it's all over, despite the beta later rising, it was a false rise because he'd already gone.

I have days where I've said to my Fiancé there is no more trying, we've lost our first, but this is my 8th loss in total. No Mother should have to endure 8 losses. No one.
I am starting to feel a little more determined to try again, I want to try again. I want a baby with my Fiancé, as much as he is a daddy to my last child (absent-Father) and he is amazing at doing that, it just makes me want to have HIS child.
Over the weekend he was cuddling one of my daughters (from previous marriage) and she fell asleep in his arms, as did he. It was a gorgeous photo and my ovaries exploded (not literally, lol) at the sight.
Some people are born to be parents, and I strongly believe he's one of them.

Anyway, I've wittered enough. I will be lighting a candle all week for our latest angel. Goodbye sweetheart.


Monday, 2 March 2015

Goodbye Angel #8

Goodbye sweetheart.

A moment in my womb, and a lifetime in our hearts.
You were so cruelly taken from us, with no reason. We sort of expected it because we had news 2 weeks ago you were not well, but you held on for us. You kept strong and you kept going for Mummy and Daddy and we thank you, from the bottom of our hearts. We miss you every second of every day. You're joining 7 other of Mummies Angels in Heaven. Learning of you growing and living inside Mummy was a complete shock, as it was for Daddy too. But it was a brilliant, heart warming shock. We've wanted you in our lives since we started trying for you, and your Miscarried Sibling in January. We thought you was our rainbow after Januarys' storm but we took you for granted, I am sorry.
I'm sorry I asked you to hang on and to stay because I was being so selfish, you couldn't stay. Only the best get called into Heaven, but we feel so special you chose to come to us when you did. A beautiful shock that you were, we loved you.
You were growing inside Mummy and doing so well. We had hope you'd be okay, we prayed you'd be okay but it was too soon, you were called to Heaven.
I want to say goodbye, but how do I say goodbye when we didn't even say hello?
I look to the sky, I see beautiful clear blue skies with puffy white clouds and I know you're up there, praying for Mummy and Daddy to not be too heartbroken, I feel you in the cold breeze through the window. I hear what would have been your first cries after birthing you, I hear you calling me Mummy and Daddy, Daddy. I wonder who you would be, what you would have become in this world, but I have to stop because you're not here any more, you've moved onto a better place. Free from suffering and pain and I hope you were not in any pain and I hope you didn't suffer.

We are sorry we asked you to stay, we feel so selfish, you couldn't stay. You tried your best for Mummy and Daddy and we are thankful for you and your love you gave us. Daddy sang to you every night, I don't know whether you heard but he sang to you, beautiful songs, sometimes forgetting the words but he sang right next to you inside Mummy.

We booked a scan so we could see you early, a sneaky peak to make sure you were doing okay. Unfortunately Mummy cancelled the scan because the hospital gave her bad news about you but she stayed hopeful, because you stayed in your warm cosy home inside Mummy.
Mummy and Daddy have cried many tears and will cry many more because we love you, so much.
We love you so much we want to fly to Heaven and bring you back down with us, you shouldn't have been called back so early. We miss you so much Angel. You're our Angel and you'll never be forgotten.

Please play games with Mummies other angels, hide and seek, maybe even sing to each other. Keep each other happy because one day Mummy's going to come to Heaven for good and stay with you. She's going to give you all a big cuddle and will never leave you. Until that day may dawn, please look after yourselves, please do not cry, Mummy and Daddy thinks about you all the time, we will always love you, no matter where you are.

Goodbye Angel #8, until we meet again.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

~Miss406 (Heartbroken Mummy)

Thursday, 19 February 2015

I think I am about to miscarry :(

Well, I found out on Monday 8th February. Tests were not progressing much and I worried. I went to A and E with pains on my right side.
On Thursday 12th February betas were done, they were 31.
On Saturday 14th February after around 36 hours the betas had fallen to 24.
On Sunday 15th February I had negative tests (IC).
I've tested again on Tuesday 17th - a very faint positive.
Wednesday 18th February, a darker line. I now have symptoms of pregnancy, sickness, heartburn etc, to the point I am awake at 3am with heartburn.

We did BD last night, and my cervix felt painful. It just felt different, like the whole of my inside was perhaps swollen.
Still no cramps or bleeding and I am dreading another missed miscarriage where another D and C is required. :(





I am just about to test again today, FX!

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Huge update - I have my BFP!

Well firstly I'd like to apologise. I didn't update this blog past 7dpo.
At 11dpo my AF came.
At CD8 I had ovulation type pains, I thought what? This early? So I used an OPK and tested, it was positive straight away. I thought well that's weird but used an IC HPT ''just in case''.
To my shock, it also came up straight away. I then used my last FRER and saw the line too. I dashed out to the chemist and bought a CB digital with conception indicator. As soon as I dipped the test into my third morning wee I started filming. I describe what's happened and that I've had six children and never had a period and been pregnant and I wasn't expecting it to say 'pregnant'

As soon as the 'pregnant' pops up on the screen, I scream with excitement, then start crying. I am in deep deep shock, but happy (of course).
I have been testing since that point and a little unhappy that for 19-21dpo the lines are not all that clear, I must have had a late implanter.

The ovulation type pains soon calmed down. I have still been testing, here are the tests so far.

These are the first tests I did.





I am still in complete shock. I have booked an early viability scan privately for Tuesday 24th February at 7:30pm. Fingers crossed this is our rainbow baby. I had heard people do fall pregnant straight after miscarriage but that's never happened for any of my miscarriages, besides this one - my last true MP was 6th January 2015 when I bled for 10 days following an early miscarriage.
I hope the scan will be able to date the baby too, just a rough guess would be ideal. I was temping and there are no indications of a later ovulation than the one I'd charted.

Hope all my readers are well.


Wednesday, 28 January 2015

7dpo - A lines' a line right?

Now before I start this I must confess, that I always test earlier than early.
I tested yesterday at 6dpo, to a stark white test until about 4 hours later when there was an obvious pee stain on it.

Today, FMU I tested again. 10miu tests so the best you can get (almost). I ordered 4 x FRER last night though I doubt they'll be here until tomorrow (at the earliest).

So, I tested. 1 minute into the test I couldn't see anything, it was still developing.
5 minutes into the test, I saw a little something and photographed. I then tweaked the hell out of it.

I definitely see a line.

Here are the photos from 5 minutes into the test, please note the test is still wet so any lines you may / may not see are NOT evaporation ones.





I am waiting on dip sticks later today, which I may try.
It makes sense though, 2 days ago I had that bad cramp pain.

Symptoms:
* 2 days ago ''Bad cramping'' Implantation?
* Last night IB?
* Backache
* Tiredness
* Increased white CM (Usually dry at this stage).


Will keep you updated.

~Miss406


Tuesday, 27 January 2015

6dpo......... Blurgh!

Well, 6 dpo today.

Temp dropped as I expected today. It was so high. It's still above the cover line.
Yesterday (5dpo) I had some horrendous pains. Some friends have discussed the possibility of implantation, however I believe it's too early for that - plus my temperature didn't drop.

Trying to stay positive. I really want to test at 8dpo. I only have an 11 day LP.
Still waiting on 100 tests to come from eBay. Mostly strips but a few midstreams too. All 10miu/l sensitive.


My 6dpo chart.


OPK's still very light, these are clearly picking up only LH at this stage. It's all I have in the house though (besides a CB digital with conception indicator, so I have to feed my addiction somehow).


Also, it's worth doing maths when buying tests. ;)


~ Miss406

Monday, 26 January 2015

5dpo - time is definitely dragging...

5dpo today.

Had troubles falling asleep last night.
Did an OPK for fun last night, of course at this early stage it's only picking up LH and not HCG but nearer my testing date it may be picking up HCG.

Had a fab weekend, despite a few hick ups. Trying to avoid stress wherever I can.

Having a lot of double sided cramps and AF-type cramps.
Temperature has rose again today to 37+ so I am expecting it to fall tomorrow. :(


Nothing else to report, over and out.

~Miss406

Saturday, 24 January 2015

3dpo - It's dragging as always!

Officially 3dpo, FF have given me cross hairs - woo hoo!
Temp has fallen today however yesterdays temperature was high!

Last night I had a few dull cramp pains in my left ovary - and this morning it's in my right ovary.
The last time I had double sided pains like this I conceived - with twins.

I broached the subject of having twins to my Fiancé last night and he isn't bothered, singleton, twins, triplets or quads, he just wants babies with me! ;)

Feeling tired, but otherwise well in myself.

Can't wait to find out if my eggo is preggo! :)


Keep well

~ Miss406

Friday, 23 January 2015

2dpo

Hello followers :)

Nothing much to report here, apart from I was up at 4am and my baby has just cut his first tooth.
Being up at 4am (until gone 6:30am) my 7am temperature wouldn't have been correct.
So with 4 hours sleep + I went with my temperature at 4am and adjusted it online via a BBT adjuster.

My temperature has soared. I definitely ovulated.




Still feeling very emotional, close to tears in fact. It could be lack of sleep due to the baby teething. I was tearful yesterday watching youtube videos of live pregnancy tests. I've never had a problem before.
Feeling quite down and depressed at the moment, not sure why. I have started my own youtube channel, I will review pregnancy tests and give as much information as I possibly can.

Nothing else to report as of yet. I'm hoping tomorrow at 3dpo FF gives me crosshairs.

~ Miss406

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Officially 1dpo

After 3 days of positives OPK's I am finally happy in that I am 1dpo.
Yesterday FF claimed I was 1dpo, although my temperature stayed exactly the same - AND it only gave me one line (the line confirming ovulation). I believe it didn't give me a temperature cover line because too few pre-ovulation temperatures were recorded. I was trying to take a month off any TTC things.

Anyway, 1dpo today.
Feeling incredibly emotional. Just been watching youtube for live pregnancy tests again and my goodness, I just feel so tearful.
My baby is asleep, we went out for a walk and on our return home he was about to nod off in his pushchair so I left him there and he's fast asleep.




My surge lasted a long time.


Another positive CD16 evening.


No other real updates from me.

~ Miss406

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

CD15 ~ The surge is strong!

Maybe there is truth in a Miscarriage can make you more fertile.
Usually after my positive the surge quickly passes and they are very negative results. However, this time I am having VERY close to positives a good 18 hours after.

You should never use FMU whilst using an IC OPK. You only use FMU with digital OPKs such as the clearblues.

My IC OPK's were negative this morning, FMU.
However, an hour or so later and they are near positive. Even now, it's 4pm and it's still very very close to being positive. Usually I would be getting negatives now.


Being a self confessed POAS addict I am using 3 different OPK's. The midstream and cassette look negative for sure, but the strip - well it's extremely close.
My Fiancé is back this evening just before 6pm and since these tests were taken at 3pm, well - it's only 3 hours later and I will have another fresh load of sperm inside me.

Not trying to brag, but my Fiancé is able to ejaculate, stay hard and ejaculate again - and not just a tiny amount. It's amazing. Whilst I had just stopped bleeding we did BD (though not at my fertile time), then I helped him off - and my goodness, I was expecting a dribble! I was wrong.

I was going to class today as 1dpo, especially with the temperature rise on FF, however I think tomorrow will be 1dpo for me. Here are 3pm CD15's tests:

IF I don't fall pregnant this month, I am hoping it happens next month because I would be testing just before my 30th birthday and that would be an amazing Birthday present, the BFP.
We obviously both hope that this is our month, but if not - I'm up for a 30th birthday BFP.

Looking forward to BD tonight, we're also picking up our new car tonight too. If you're new to following my blogs, my Mother in law (to be) was involved in a serious car accident, 3 days after my miscarriage. I miscarried 6th January and on Friday 9th she was involved in a car accident. She borrows my Fiancés car to get to work, since he works in London and commutes via the train.
We have today heard back from the insurance company and our car is a write off. Both air bags deployed as well as the 'crumple zones' in todays car giving way to take the impact of the accident.

So, as well as BD we are collecting our new car this evening, exciting times - heated seats in this weather are very very welcome. :)

Keep well, keep the faith and keep BD'ing - that's my motto for today.


~ Miss406

Monday, 19 January 2015

CD 14

Well I must say, after having used the Clearblue Digital dual hormone Ovulation Prediction Kit I am a little disappointed with todays result with FMU. It picks up your most fertile days, giving you 4+ days of knowing you're in your fertile window - allowing you to BD knowing there is a chance, albeit not a great chance - there's still a chance.

I tested yesterday to a negative O.
This mornings, again, negative. O. However, looking at the test stick I have had HIGH readings with lesser lines that showed. With that line that showed I am quite surprised it didn't peak.

This mornings IC OPK was also negative, very much so.

I decided 'what the hell' and tested again today at 4pm, with an IC strip. This looks almost positive.
I tested again at 6pm with another IC strip and also a IC cassette. The cassette looks positive. The IC strip, - nearly!

On this photo below you can see this mornings CB digital OPK, the second line is prominent.
The top green one is yesterday PM. The middle green one is this mornings FMU. The bottom green one is today at 4pm.


This is the 6pm tests.

I will be testing again before bed time. We have already BD twice since he got in at 4pm.

I'm thinking it will get much darker but quite annoyed the CB gave me a negative result, especially as mentioned it has given me a peak with lesser lines.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

CD12 ~ Approaching ovulation?

I haven't tempted once this cycle. I'm trying not to stress, however probably will temp from tomorrow onwards. Based on my last cycles I could ovulate between CD15-CD18.
I haven't even been using my OPK's, however I will probably start soon, in case I do ovulate.
With very early miscarriages, it is more likely to not disrupt my ovulation.

I have made a picture for ALL my lovely friends I have made along the way, from that bitchy forum to my Facebook TTC groups.
I wish every single one of my TTC friends all the baby dust one could imagine.

Fingers crossed that this month the Clearblue Digital says 'Pregnant 1-2', though I'd settle for any one of the 'Pregnant' results, 2-3, or even a 3+ lol. I've had twins before, and when my period was due it said 3+, so who knows. I know my chances of having twins is slightly higher than anyone now that I've had one set.

I'm really hoping that there is truth in 'fertility is high in those who had just miscarried'. I've found a lot of stories online in which people have miscarried then fallen pregnant the month after the loss.

Whenever it happens I'll be waiting, with all the pee sticks you can imagine. I will however try to hold of testing too early this time, 4-6 dpo is too early, way too early. I'm going to test at 10dpo. I have an 11 day LP so this is technically the day before my AF. Fingers crossed for us all, we're all in this together.

Any questions, please feel free to contact me. Not only do I run this blog, but as said in the previous post I do have my own TTC and Pregnancy Forum, and I run the Pee on a stick party page on Facebook. I run HPT and OPK experiments, and post as many questions as one might have. If you wish to remain anonymous, then message me and I will share your photo on your behalf.

I learned many years ago on forums that anyone can save your picture and share it as their own, so with all my photographs I now watermark them.

~ Miss406


Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Welcome to my blog :)

Hello :)

I have decided to make this blog because I would rather keep my personal information in one place than on multiple forums.
I am currently on Cycle 5 after having my 7th miscarriage last cycle.
It started off with several faint positives, which didn't really progress much.
Finally, two days late the bleeding started.
I am currently on CD9 and still bleeding.

I have 6 beautiful earth angels and I now have 7 angels in Heaven.

~Miss406