Thursday, 19 November 2015

Feeling down this evening..

Yeah, I am feeling like crap.

It's just been one thing after another this week and I am sick of it.

Why do we keep failing at having a baby? Why is it so damn hard?
Some people manage to fall pregnant so easily, without even wanting to they manage it.

Infertility affects every aspect of your life. Your emotions, your life, period.

I think I have officially hit rock bottom. I am thinking of each and every possible alternative. They range from the crazy to insanely crazy ideas.

Should I stop trying and hope and pray it happens naturally?
Should I keep on trying?
Based on the last SA, should I just accept it is not going to happen?

I feel at such a cross-roads in my life. I love my DF but we want a baby.
I need to talk to him, I know that. But I don't know how much he wants a baby with me. I somehow feel like I want the baby more than him.

Why is it that others can fall pregnant so easily, even though with ''PCOS'' and those who have been told they've a VERY low chance of conception from their doctor? Why us? Why have we been cursed?

We will try AI this cycle and then I am sure that's the end of the road for us.
We may look into IUI or IVF next year but the chances of it working are low.

Parcels, equipment.. AI things.

Today a few parcels have come, in preparation for ovulation this month. 

This is our first ever AI cycle. 

I'll explain each now. 



5 collection pots, each wrapped and are sterile. DF will collect his sample using one of these pots. 



Sterile syringes and tubing. Sterile syringes are on the left, tubing is in the centre and unwrapped syringes on the right. 


Here is my sterile disposable vaginal speculum. I am in two minds whether to use this or not. I figured it's best to have "just in case". I ideally want to see my cervical opening during this process. 


Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic [My Appointment]

Hello all.

The day came! The day at the hospital, at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic.
The hospital car parking is less than ideal, in fact it is always a nightmare when it comes to parking, that's if you're lucky enough to get a space.
Luckily, I made sure we left with plenty of time, and we did get there a-ok. We hit a little bit of traffic on the way into Oxford, but we made it.

I was over an hour early for my appointment. The receptionist said we were early, I said we didn't mind waiting. She mentioned something about a 'cancelled clinic' because the consultant (Fertility Specialist) was in a meeting ALL day and this clinic should have been cancelled.

I said we'd wait, however long her meeting was - we'd wait. I haven't waited 10 years for answers to go away empty handed - I thought to myself.

So, after waiting a few minutes the consultant rushed down, I was her second patient for clinic. A 3rd lady arrived, but was told the consultant wouldn't see her today and she had to re-book. I am thankful I did wait it out as we were seen, on time at 11am.

She started by taking my previous history with previous pregnancies, asked my weight, how I'd had my babies and if I have any conditions. I listed the conditions I know about, including the blood disorder trait I have.

She explained that she isn't worried about us falling pregnant, in fact she seems to think it will happen and soon.
She said she'd order some blood tests to check for a whole host of things. She said that most often than not there is no closure and there is no reasoning. I asked since Jake was a 'Pregnancy of UNKNOWN location' whether she'd do a HSG to check my tubes were open, she said no. She has said I have 6 children now and she isn't worried whatsoever. I disagree with this very much, we have no evidence where Jake was and heavens forbid he was an Ectopic pregnancy, the next time our bean sticks it may lead to the loss of a tube if I have blocked tubes and an ectopic.

She said that AS SOON as I am pregnant I will be given a scan (Hurrah, I am literally so happy about this), I will be in the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) and she ideally likes to do them at 6-7 weeks but I will get them often and before the routine NHS 12 week (First) scan.

Before, I've had to PRIVATELY PAY for my own scans at 7 weeks.

She has suggested I lay off of the Aspirin, the evidence it has to suggest it is helpful in conceiving is great, but there is also contradictory evidence to suggest it may hinder the chances of implantation and have a negative affect on conception.
She has also suggest my Folic Acid dosage MUST be increased. I am unsure what dosage she said now - it's been one hell of a day let me assure you.

She's also advised that once I reach around 12 weeks pregnant I am to start taking the Aspirin again, but I already knew that given my history.
With the consultation over, We were pointed in the direction of the 'Emergency Gynae Bloods' department. We walked through a whole waiting room of big baby bellies for their Antenatal clinic. There must have been around 30 women there in total, each with partners. Each cradling their huge bellies. We were pushed into a side room where it was almost bearable, although I was the only one - NOT PREGNANT there. Each time a pregnant woman came through the door, tears fell down my face. Literally, it was so hard.

The blood test saw 10, yes 10 Viole's of blood taken from me and yes, I nearly passed out as per usual.  I cried whilst having the blood test but I said to her about it not being appropriate given the reason why I'm there to be surrounded in heavily pregnant women.

She is doing a lot of tests, which I hope to have results in around 2-3 weeks for.

On the way out, we had to walk past the same amount of big baby bellies. We even walked past the 'paediatric Pathology' unit and I couldn't help but think to myself ''Is that where Jake should have been'' and ''OMG, that's where my Brother was sent, all those years ago back in 1986''.

We finally hit the fresh air of the car park and that is when, all - let - rip. I burst into tears, like I'd never done before. Barely able to grasp my breath and barely able to even to contain any composure.
I cried so hard, tears fell far too easily, too often and there was a pain in my chest and my neck. It felt like I was being stabbed in my neck. A harsh pain.
I got to the car, still crying and still not able to catch any breath. Uncontrollable crying.

We got to a local town and I went shopping (may have bought myself a new 42'' Full HD Smart TV). On the way to the shops though, as always there was a charity worker, asking for donations. ''Congratulations then! I've got 2 boys and 1 girl''.
It was just a conversation they were having, but to say something - like that - so LOUD. Had me in tears again, not as bad as the hospital, but a few tears fell down the side of my face.

Having got home, we both went for a nap, today has been an emotional day. I cuddled into Jakey (Jakes' teddy bear) and put the electric blanket on to warm myself up. I checked Facebook (as you do) on my phone.

''My waters have gone, I'm off to the hospital now'' came an update - that has again, pushed me over the limit of what I can handle today.

Literally crying again, so hard. So many tears falling. I am worn out from how emotional today has been. Had Jake been born, he'd be a month old now. Four young beautiful weeks old. I wonder what he'd have weighed? He'd have just had his last dose of Vitamin K.

Sometimes, it feels like the World is out to get you and today has been one of those days.

I hope to have closure in around 2-3 weeks, but as she said - don't bet on it. Most often than not it is just a sad fact of life. Some babies make it and some sadly don't. She did also say that she'd have been surprised had I had so many babies and not had a few miscarriages - it seems completely normal and I am stunned at just how 'normal' it apparently is.

NINE miscarriages for 6 CHILDREN is NORMAL?

I hate the fact that people think I have my fair share of children and somehow don't deserve the right to grieve, let alone plan more children. I deserve to grieve, just like you all grieve, whether you've had one loss, or 9 you ALL feel the pain of a loss. It's nothing you can 'get used to' and you should never have to hide away your grief just because someone says you've got XX children and shouldn't be upset - you all have the right to be upset.

With this update, I am going offline. I just thought I'd share todays events with you as you're all probably guessing.

Wednesday, 11 November 2015

Still absent....

Still no AF as yet. 

Just a quick update. I've just had some really weird pains in my rib cage (lower right side), never had this before. 

Will be carefully watching my temperature tomorrow. 

Here's my chart as of today. 

Fingers crossed for a big raise tomorrow, or something to give me hope at least. 



10 or 11 DPO?

So, here's the thing. I still disagree with FF. They think I am 10 DPO.
My chart looks as if I am 12DPO. It looks like AF is due today - judging by what previous months' charts have looked like.

I did test this morning, I am ashamed to say.
All BFN's. Unless I squint really hard and I can see something on the middle and last test (FRER).

I knew this month was a bust, from the day we didn't baby dance was the day they think I ovulated, to DH not taking his vitamins, to extensive tooth ache, tooth extraction, gum infection and swelling, antibiotics and finally, thrush.

There's a whole host of reasons why this month was not going to be and is not successful.

Doesn't make it any easier to accept though.

Yesterday evening, I had weird smells I kept smelling. The first was candy floss in the car, then I smelt burned toast then it went back to candy floss. Bearing in mind we drive a Brand New car, neither candy-floss or burned toast has ever been in the car.
We then left the car and went shopping, again I kept smelling this candy floss. I'd been smelling it for miles now. DH didn't smell it but what ever. I could smell it and I knew I could smell it.

Anyway, enjoy looking at Month 15's BFN's. (Click for full photograph).
Tempted to take EPO to start AF.
If AF does come today, the bitch is 1/2 days early and I won't be happy either way.





On other news, we did briefly discuss looking at 'other options' but at the moment things are very raw emotionally and this needs full and further exploration before we come to any hard decisions.

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic appointment is fast approaching, as is DH's appointment to receive his SA results - even though they've come in this week.

Tuesday, 10 November 2015

Sorry!

I am so sorry I have not kept this updated. It is now November and we are still not pregnant. 

Unfortunately I've suffered another miscarriage since my last post (July), but the good news is I am being referred to the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic, now I've had 3-in-a-row. They would not refer me before because of always have 2 then a live birth. 
My fiancé has had a Semen Analysis (SA), and he's just had a repeat done. We'll be finding out the results later this month. 

Not much to add apart from this is a long ass journey for us all, and if I am honest I am quite frankly sick of people who have no idea what we are going through. 

Horrah, you fell pregnant after "2 cycles" or maybe it was a "surprise" or even "accident" I really couldn't care less. If you have no idea how hard it is to fall pregnant with Male Factor Infertility and Secondary Infertility then please, shut the hell up. 

If also like to moan at one particular lady who apparently has PCOS but has been "pregnant" for the last 3-4 cycles with new pregnancies that she keeps "miscarrying".
The lies this woman is spinning makes me physically sick, why would you lie to get attention by faking pregnancies and miscarriages? Oh yes, I forgot. We live in a sick sick world where anyone will do anything to get attention. 


Over and out, take care.