Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic [My Appointment]

Hello all.

The day came! The day at the hospital, at the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic.
The hospital car parking is less than ideal, in fact it is always a nightmare when it comes to parking, that's if you're lucky enough to get a space.
Luckily, I made sure we left with plenty of time, and we did get there a-ok. We hit a little bit of traffic on the way into Oxford, but we made it.

I was over an hour early for my appointment. The receptionist said we were early, I said we didn't mind waiting. She mentioned something about a 'cancelled clinic' because the consultant (Fertility Specialist) was in a meeting ALL day and this clinic should have been cancelled.

I said we'd wait, however long her meeting was - we'd wait. I haven't waited 10 years for answers to go away empty handed - I thought to myself.

So, after waiting a few minutes the consultant rushed down, I was her second patient for clinic. A 3rd lady arrived, but was told the consultant wouldn't see her today and she had to re-book. I am thankful I did wait it out as we were seen, on time at 11am.

She started by taking my previous history with previous pregnancies, asked my weight, how I'd had my babies and if I have any conditions. I listed the conditions I know about, including the blood disorder trait I have.

She explained that she isn't worried about us falling pregnant, in fact she seems to think it will happen and soon.
She said she'd order some blood tests to check for a whole host of things. She said that most often than not there is no closure and there is no reasoning. I asked since Jake was a 'Pregnancy of UNKNOWN location' whether she'd do a HSG to check my tubes were open, she said no. She has said I have 6 children now and she isn't worried whatsoever. I disagree with this very much, we have no evidence where Jake was and heavens forbid he was an Ectopic pregnancy, the next time our bean sticks it may lead to the loss of a tube if I have blocked tubes and an ectopic.

She said that AS SOON as I am pregnant I will be given a scan (Hurrah, I am literally so happy about this), I will be in the EPU (Early Pregnancy Unit) and she ideally likes to do them at 6-7 weeks but I will get them often and before the routine NHS 12 week (First) scan.

Before, I've had to PRIVATELY PAY for my own scans at 7 weeks.

She has suggested I lay off of the Aspirin, the evidence it has to suggest it is helpful in conceiving is great, but there is also contradictory evidence to suggest it may hinder the chances of implantation and have a negative affect on conception.
She has also suggest my Folic Acid dosage MUST be increased. I am unsure what dosage she said now - it's been one hell of a day let me assure you.

She's also advised that once I reach around 12 weeks pregnant I am to start taking the Aspirin again, but I already knew that given my history.
With the consultation over, We were pointed in the direction of the 'Emergency Gynae Bloods' department. We walked through a whole waiting room of big baby bellies for their Antenatal clinic. There must have been around 30 women there in total, each with partners. Each cradling their huge bellies. We were pushed into a side room where it was almost bearable, although I was the only one - NOT PREGNANT there. Each time a pregnant woman came through the door, tears fell down my face. Literally, it was so hard.

The blood test saw 10, yes 10 Viole's of blood taken from me and yes, I nearly passed out as per usual.  I cried whilst having the blood test but I said to her about it not being appropriate given the reason why I'm there to be surrounded in heavily pregnant women.

She is doing a lot of tests, which I hope to have results in around 2-3 weeks for.

On the way out, we had to walk past the same amount of big baby bellies. We even walked past the 'paediatric Pathology' unit and I couldn't help but think to myself ''Is that where Jake should have been'' and ''OMG, that's where my Brother was sent, all those years ago back in 1986''.

We finally hit the fresh air of the car park and that is when, all - let - rip. I burst into tears, like I'd never done before. Barely able to grasp my breath and barely able to even to contain any composure.
I cried so hard, tears fell far too easily, too often and there was a pain in my chest and my neck. It felt like I was being stabbed in my neck. A harsh pain.
I got to the car, still crying and still not able to catch any breath. Uncontrollable crying.

We got to a local town and I went shopping (may have bought myself a new 42'' Full HD Smart TV). On the way to the shops though, as always there was a charity worker, asking for donations. ''Congratulations then! I've got 2 boys and 1 girl''.
It was just a conversation they were having, but to say something - like that - so LOUD. Had me in tears again, not as bad as the hospital, but a few tears fell down the side of my face.

Having got home, we both went for a nap, today has been an emotional day. I cuddled into Jakey (Jakes' teddy bear) and put the electric blanket on to warm myself up. I checked Facebook (as you do) on my phone.

''My waters have gone, I'm off to the hospital now'' came an update - that has again, pushed me over the limit of what I can handle today.

Literally crying again, so hard. So many tears falling. I am worn out from how emotional today has been. Had Jake been born, he'd be a month old now. Four young beautiful weeks old. I wonder what he'd have weighed? He'd have just had his last dose of Vitamin K.

Sometimes, it feels like the World is out to get you and today has been one of those days.

I hope to have closure in around 2-3 weeks, but as she said - don't bet on it. Most often than not it is just a sad fact of life. Some babies make it and some sadly don't. She did also say that she'd have been surprised had I had so many babies and not had a few miscarriages - it seems completely normal and I am stunned at just how 'normal' it apparently is.

NINE miscarriages for 6 CHILDREN is NORMAL?

I hate the fact that people think I have my fair share of children and somehow don't deserve the right to grieve, let alone plan more children. I deserve to grieve, just like you all grieve, whether you've had one loss, or 9 you ALL feel the pain of a loss. It's nothing you can 'get used to' and you should never have to hide away your grief just because someone says you've got XX children and shouldn't be upset - you all have the right to be upset.

With this update, I am going offline. I just thought I'd share todays events with you as you're all probably guessing.

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